gidgeybelle ♥

4th August 2011

Post with 9 notes

The only thing you need to be saved from, is the idea that you need to be saved.

“We’re just not meant to be.”

“You really mean that?”

“I guess so. Why is that so shocking?” My best friend Vanessa is one of the rare souls on this earth that, not only knows everything that goes on in my life, but always manages to understand fully, even with little to no explanation. This is why I was a little puzzled as to why she was taken aback by something that was so obvious as of lately.

Vanessa paused for a moment. “I’ve just never heard you say that.” And she was right. It left my lips so nonchalantly that I, too, began to wonder how those words escaped without a sting.

“Huh,” I started, “At least not right now— we’re not meant to be.” I quickly retracted my statement. It was a little odd affirming something other than what I’ve been preaching for the last three years. It’s also very frightening. You have to admit— there’s some bravery and courage accompanied in walking away from the only thing you’ve ever known; away from the only thing you’ve ever planned to know.

And so I begin with my first Tumblr post that officially graces my first, true heartbreak. In four days, it will mark four months since our fallout.

This isn’t a public announcement, nor a plea for pity or even empathy. I don’t even know where I’m going with this, and I hope I’m not crossing any lines by writing this. Take it as a release of emotions. Or a simple confirmation of reality and life’s inevitable twists. Perhaps something you can learn from, or something you can relate to. Just take it as it is.

Moreover, since that solemn day in April, I have touched on every emotion in this very order: emptiness, grief, confusion, stupidity, envy, anger, loss, lethargic, euphoria, contentment, and alas— freedom.

And as miserable as I initially was, I can’t help but think that heartbreak was the best thing that has possibly happened to me. I never intended on experiencing it. In fact, with it being my first strike to the heart, I’d simply like to think of myself as a late bloomer.

Late or on point, I certainly did bloom. My personal rule in life is that when you’re a midst a catastrophe, it is VITAL to better yourself from it. Take what makes you miserable, let it burn you, and turn it inside out. I assure that you will feel more alive than you did before. You know when you start a long run, or when you start an exam you were cramming for the night before, or how about when you walk into that interview for that job you wanted so bad— do you remember that first breath you released the moment you completed all of these obstacles? That long, slow exhale is a symptom of you being alive and making it through the tough shit. Through my own, personal misery, I kept my eye on this quote: The truth will set you free; but first, it will make you miserable. Time gets you through it, endurance pulls you through. There is no substitute for time, but YOU are the motive for endurance.

I never had an issue with loving myself, and I mean this in the least egoistic way possible. In fact, after so many back-to-back days and nights of having to be with no one but myself, I strangely began to desire wanting to be alone. I was never tied down or smothered in my past relationship, yet this cry of delight roared at the release of even the smallest obligations. Never having to wait for anyone to move onto the next plan of the day, not having to irrelevantly touch basis with someone, getting to creep under the covers and not having to share that space, or getting to immerse within my own thoughts before the night ended… This lonesome, solitary peace of mind… I began to crave all of it.

Relationships are far too emotionally investing, and I think a lot of people underestimate just how much work one requires. You can’t walk into a relationship “just for fun” or expect to successfully half-ass your way through with little devotion towards being committed. And with that being said, I can honestly say that, as of right now, I am not ready for a relationship. The up-and-down spiral of emotions, the insecurities, the games, the second-guessing? I am not ready for any of it. I bumped family, friends, education, photography, and sculpting my future up on my list, appointing love the least of my priorities, and the absolute least of my problems. And I’m ok with that.

You would not believe how rejuvenating this shift in life is, and just how liberating it is to reserve all the time and effort for no one but yourself. Don’t get me wrong, this fresh mentality was entirely up to my wicked mind and was not wholesomely influenced by the relationship I just got out of. I am extremely fortunate than most to be granted the opportunity to experience the kind of love I did. Genuine love comes far and few nowadays because we are easily clouded by consistent infidelity and the greed molded from excessive materialism. Our love was so pure and playful. It was derived from innocence, exhilarating attraction, and everlasting friendship— everything a first love should be. We loved with everything we had, openly inspired each other, taught each other how to love, how to grow together, and how to courageously grow apart. The beauty of our history makes it impossible for me to be sad or bitter towards the outcome of things. We were young, but we were also very smart. We easily recognized the peak of our happiness, and we were able to recognize the end. Too many mistake “staying miserable together” as glitter, when it is only rust. “The end is not necessarily the tragedy. Staying in a relationship that is no longer working is the tragedy. Living unhappily, that’s the tragedy.” We were more dignified to wish better for the other. 

Lesson after lesson, I am still a work in progress.